If you are like me, you may struggle to find the perfect gifts for the man you love. Men are different from us: their needs are simple, and this list will provide your male companion with everything he needs to thrive during the holiday season…be it booze, guns, or a little cheesecake, it can be easy to cater to your special guy this Christmas, with our top ten list of great gift ideas…
10. Guns
Guys love weapons, and they crave the feeling of power that comes from owning and playing with firearms. Consider an air rifle or pistol, but be wary: this could result in him firing at tin cans, or cantaloupes, in the front yard, and terrifying local carolers. As well, guns are only good for one thing, so keep
his temperament in mind, and be sure he can control his masculine urges…especially after he’s been into the Christmas liquor.
9. Booze
You can’t really go wrong here, if your guy likes a drink. Specialty beers, Jack Daniels and a two-liter bottle of Coke, glass tumblers and beer mugs…it’s all good. If you guy is edgy and alternative, a nice bottle of Jagermeister will do the trick. For a more refined man, consider a big bottle of Glenfiddich, or some other, single malt, scotch whiskey. Again, consider the probable outcome of your purchase: it is likely that your husband or boyfriend will act up, after drinking far too much, in full view of your family and friends. If you don’t want him hitting on your sister, buy something else…
8. Rock’N’Roll
Guys love to rock out: you can pander to the male need to play air guitar and do some major head banging, by supplying them with the heaviest musical selections this Christmas. Consider the new Guns N Roses CD, Chinese Democracy, which only took a thousand years to complete, or else a boxed set of CD’s from his favorite group. If your guy is more into Sinatra than heavy metal, then give him some smooth crooning to entertain him this holiday season…
7. Power Tools
Nothing makes the average guy happier that messing around with a bunch of noisy power tools. Even if your man is not handy, it doesn’t matter: he just wants to play with the stuff. If you are concerned about DIY disasters that might surface as a result of him actually putting the tools to use around the house, don’t worry too much…chances are he’ll just fiddle with them, get bored, and go watch Football or something.
6. Cheesecake
Guys like to look at women, so think…sleazy. Even a Victoria’s Secret catalog will do the trick, and it costs you nothing: Girls Gone Wild videos, or camp classics like Ski School, will give him years of pleasure. Search local bargain bins for the tackiest, low-budget DVD’s you can find, or hit the local sex shop. There are really no boundaries here, as long as the videos feature half-naked or fully nude women in implausible situations. Never consider meaningful films like The Hours, or Pride and Prejudice: they will only gather dust and your spouse will resent you. A swimsuit calendar or other cheesy pictorial will be a sure-fire way to please your mate this Christmas: just wrap it up in a brown paper bag.
5. Headphones
I still remember the look of peace and utter serenity that filled my husband’s eyes as I presented him with top-of-the-line Bose headphones. He immediately put them on, enjoying top-notch sound quality and the total inability to hear anything going on in our home. The headphones shut out the annoying sound of female chatter: for this reason, they are turned to again and again. Truly, this is the gift that keeps on giving, for the man in your life. My husband enjoys countless hours of fun, listening to Bill Maher Podcasts and video game programs that he lovingly downloads off the Internet. You cannot go wrong here: headphones will make him smile. Just don’t expect any conversations for a week or two, but this could be a bonus.
4. Remote Control Helicopters
Your man is never too old to enjoy flying remote control helicopters indoors. You can enjoy the spectacle of your expensive remote control helicopter crashing to bits, right in your own living room. Bear in mind, these babies are hard to fly, and even harder to repair. But, for the hour or two the helicopter remains intact and airborne, your husband will be as happy as a clam.
3. Cars and Car Stuff
Men are obsessed with cars, and fantasize about Shelby Cobras, vintage Mustangs, and brand new BMW’s. If your guy is a redneck, buy the biggest pickup truck you can find: if it has huge tires that look ridiculous, you’ve found the right model. If your guy is smooth and sophisticated, consider a Ferrari, or Lotus. If you have no money, then simply do what I do: fill his stocking with Hot Wheels representing his dream machines. Yes, he’ll play with them.
2. Video Game Stuff
If your guy was born in the late Sixties, or later, his desire for video game play will override most other earthly concerns. The need for food and water, or even sexual activity, will run a distant second, when compared with his desire to move through the various levels of his first-person shooter. Remember how many nights he spent enjoying the wonders of Tomb Raider, when it first came out? Remember the gritty battles he waged in Call of Duty? You can provide him with almost everything he needs for his happiness, by gifting him with an Xbox 360 this year. By allowing him to play with other, like-minded computer geeks on the Net, you can fulfill his wildest dreams. Throw in a bag of Doritos, and anything else he can eat or drink, during the brief rest periods when the game is “saving”, and you’ll be an angel in his life. Warning: this gift could result in divorce.
1. Big Ass Televisions
Men believe that size matters, and they really do want the biggest TV around. Even if you are living in a shoebox, he won’t hesitate to fill your cramped living space with 42 inches of glorious high-def! Unless you can afford the Ferrari or massive pickup truck listed at number four, this is the best gift possible for this Christmas. You don’t need to do much: you don’t even need to put a bow on it. He will never stop using your gift, and he will never stop loving it: until the day after the warranty runs out, when the thing breaks.
By Heather Matthews. Please help Heather’s career as a writer and order her latest book, The Scullery Maid, today.
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